Get Ready for Some Funk!

My friend Scott was preparing to go to Cancun for a visit. He decided to go to the spa and get a massage, and some ‘cupping’ therapy. He wasn’t extremely sure what the nuru therapy was but he had heard good things about it. Cupping therapy is exactly what it sounds like- they used cups on your body to give you a massage. The cups however, leave circles/rings after they are removed. He actually had to go to Cancun looking like he had a million Olympic rings all over his body! He looked like an idiot and couldn’t take his shirt off the whole time!

I had been dating two guys, Jake and Ted, for quite some time. I finally broke up with Ted, because he honestly bored me with ex girlfriends porn. About a month later, Jake takes me out to dinner at a very nice restaurant. He’s acting funny all through dinner, smiling a lot and stuff. At the end of the meal, he nods to the waiter and says, “Ok, we’re ready”. The waiter disappears and returns with a cake and a bottle of wine. Another waiter is carrying a beautifully wrapped gift. As the waiters are placing everything on the table Jake says, “Happy 6 month anniversary!” That’s when I noticed the waiter carrying the gift was Ted.

next page

How to Get Kicked Out of Your Local Music Club

Music clubs are private places where people can have whatever goofy rules they want. Dress codes, smoke and alcohol policies, rules about singing along and/or dancing and/or stripping, etc., vary wildly from club to club. At some clubs admission may even be a matter of moment-by-moment “social engineering” to maintain the preferred demographic mix, so people who are welcome one night might be unwelcome another night (see http://www.theguardian.com/music/musicblog/2010/mar/29/berghain-berlin-clubs-door-policy ).

Some rules, however, are 99% guaranteed. Follow these tips, and not only will you get kicked out of your local music club, but the club owner will tell everybody you acted like a jerk.

  1. Bring your own controlled substances.electronic-club-porto-pitch-club-2-565x280

Many music clubs sell wine, beer, liquor, mixed drinks, and (in Denver) even marijuana. Some, like the one owned by a recovering alcoholic musician in my neighborhood, try to keep the atmosphere safe for recovering addicts and alcoholics. Whatever the club sells, a good general rule is that, if they don’t sell it, they don’t want it in their business.

  1. Distribute illegal substances.

Club owners have spent a lot of time, effort, and money persuading people that a music club belongs in a nice neighborhood like this one. Maybe they’ve bribed writers to write about what a nice fiftieth anniversary party the family held for their grandparents at the Old Mill Stream Music Club, with its smoke-free environment, sing-along songs, and limited refill policy. Nice to see the newspaper write-up about the undercover cop breaking up a big cocaine business in a restroom or parking lot at the Old Mill Stream.

  1. Be quarrelsome.pt-gareporto

Somebody else’s favorite team, band, or political party is a bunch of losers. Somebody else’s religion is a sick cult. Somebody made a statement of fact that’s inaccurate, and you can prove it, or could if you’d anticipated a need to bring your computer to the club. Hello? Why do people usually not bring computers to music clubs? People are there to listen to the music. If you’d rather debate, go outside.

  1. Get physical.

People who go to music clubs and then decide they’d rather argue are likely to be under the influence of substances that impair their judgment. When they run out of words, they start shoving and hitting.

  1. Harass women (or men, for that matter).

Some music clubs attract both men and women who go there to act out their fantasies. The trouble is that they tend to have different ones. A typical female music club fantasy is “I’m at this club wearing a skin-tight micro-mini-dress that usually makes me feel fat, only tonight it’s calling attention to how fit and toned I am, and all the men are staring at me and all the women are wishing they looked like me. I go home feeling so good I don’t even miss my ex-boyfriend…much…and his sister, who was at the club too, reminds him of what he’s lost. Later he calls me…” A typical male music club fantasy is “There is this blonde who’s dressed like a hooker, so I treat her like one, and she reacts like one, too, only she doesn’t charge by the hour.” Misunderstandings can happen if you forget that fantasies are not reality, even when strippers are involved. (This goes double for less typical fantasies.)

  1. Be sick.

A virus is going around. Your lunch disagreed with you. You enjoy music more after a few beers, so you had those on the way…maybe one too many. Whatever. Just keep it out of the club.

  1. Record the show (without permission).

For any entertainer who’s good enough to be performing in nightclubs, the act is his or her stock in trade. Unlicensed photos, videos, or audio recordings may be considered theft. A camera or even a cell phone set to “record” is a valid reason why people who wouldn’t be stupid enough to follow any of the first six tips get thrown out of clubs. Want a recording? Excellent. Buy, or beg them to release, the official one.

Even professional musicians, who ought to understand these rules if anyone does, have forgotten #7. Recently. (see http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/cleancut-english-folksters-mumford–sons-thrown-out-of-atlanta-strip-bar-8812030.html ). But now you know the Meta Rules for getting bounced almost anywhere…or not.

Be sick, Distribute, Get physical, illegal substances, Local Music Club, own controlled, quarrelsome
next page

Tips on Getting Hired as a Bouncer at Your Local Music Club

Training is key

To get a job as a bouncer is not as easy as it might seem to be. It can be difficult to be hired at your local music club but you can increase your chances by being prepared for the job. First, proper training for the job will elevate you above the rest. Your knowledge in recognition of fake identification, understanding the powers to arrest, and knowledge of alcohol service liabilities will make you stand out. Besides, you should portray yourself as a person who can be trusted right from the start. The following tips will increase your chances of getting hired as a bouncer quickly.


Job skills you should posses

First, you must possess physical strength. In case of a physical altercation, you should be able to break up the fight or restrain those involved until law enforcement officers arrive. In some situations, as a bouncer, you should be able to eject rowdy people from the premises. It would add into your qualifications if you have some form of martial arts training. This will help you to neutralize a fight in a calm and intentional manner without injuring someone. As a result, the customers will remain calm while impressing the club owner.

Secondly, as a bouncer you should be hawk eyed. Excellent observation skills will help you to be aware of the surroundings. The ability to read and judge people in regards to body language is essential for you in order to see what other people cannot see. The ability to stay sharp and observant will help you notice such things as people sneaking alcohol in from outside.

Thirdly, as a bouncer you should be very good in decision making. Quick decision making ability will help you to know what to do before a situations gets out of control. You should be able to neutralize any trouble arising as fast as possible so as to prevent losses occurring.

Another key attribute that you should posses as a bouncer is good communication skills. Talking to people at the door include asking for ID and taking entry charges. Also, as a bouncer, you should be able to speak to unruly customers in a good way so as to understand you.

Besides, as a bouncer you should be honest to your employer. In order to achieve this, you must set clear boundaries with the patrons. For instance you should not compromise and let anyone getting out of control to stay in the club or even don’t let underage into the premises. Stick to your code of conduct, if it’s a no it’s a no. Period.

More importantly, you should be able to hold on your tempers. For you to successfully do the job, you should be able to ignore insults thrown to you by unruly clients. For instance, once you have thrown someone outside for whatever reason, he or she might talk trash to you and try to tempt you into something unpleasant. In case that happens, just turn your back and go inside the premises as if nothing has happened.


The bottom line

As a bouncer, you have the mandate to protect the interests of the music club you are working for. The owner of the music club will want you to protect the reputation of the establishment by offering security to both the premises and the customers. Therefore, to perform in this job, it calls for both your abilities as a bouncer and your people skills.

Getting Hired, The bottom line, Training is key
next page