My friend Scott was preparing to go to Cancun for a visit. He decided to go to the spa and get a massage, and some ‘cupping’ therapy. He wasn’t extremely sure what the nuru therapy was but he had heard good things about it. Cupping therapy is exactly what it sounds like- they used cups on your body to give you a massage. The cups however, leave circles/rings after they are removed. He actually had to go to Cancun looking like he had a million Olympic rings all over his body! He looked like an idiot and couldn’t take his shirt off the whole time!
I had been dating two guys, Jake and Ted, for quite some time. I finally broke up with Ted, because he honestly bored me with ex girlfriends porn. About a month later, Jake takes me out to dinner at a very nice restaurant. He’s acting funny all through dinner, smiling a lot and stuff. At the end of the meal, he nods to the waiter and says, “Ok, we’re ready”. The waiter disappears and returns with a cake and a bottle of wine. Another waiter is carrying a beautifully wrapped gift. As the waiters are placing everything on the table Jake says, “Happy 6 month anniversary!” That’s when I noticed the waiter carrying the gift was Ted.
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Music clubs are private places where people can have whatever goofy rules they want. Dress codes, smoke and alcohol policies, rules about singing along and/or dancing and/or stripping, etc., vary wildly from club to club. At some clubs admission may even be a matter of moment-by-moment “social engineering” to maintain the preferred demographic mix, so people who are welcome one night might be unwelcome another night (see http://www.theguardian.com/music/musicblog/2010/mar/29/berghain-berlin-clubs-door-policy ).
Some rules, however, are 99% guaranteed. Follow these tips, and not only will you get kicked out of your local music club, but the club owner will tell everybody you acted like a jerk.
Many music clubs sell wine, beer, liquor, mixed drinks, and (in Denver) even marijuana. Some, like the one owned by a recovering alcoholic musician in my neighborhood, try to keep the atmosphere safe for recovering addicts and alcoholics. Whatever the club sells, a good general rule is that, if they don’t sell it, they don’t want it in their business.
Distribute illegal substances.
Club owners have spent a lot of time, effort, and money persuading people that a music club belongs in a nice neighborhood like this one. Maybe they’ve bribed writers to write about what a nice fiftieth anniversary party the family held for their grandparents at the Old Mill Stream Music Club, with its smoke-free environment, sing-along songs, and limited refill policy. Nice to see the newspaper write-up about the undercover cop breaking up a big cocaine business in a restroom or parking lot at the Old Mill Stream.
Somebody else’s favorite team, band, or political party is a bunch of losers. Somebody else’s religion is a sick cult. Somebody made a statement of fact that’s inaccurate, and you can prove it, or could if you’d anticipated a need to bring your computer to the club. Hello? Why do people usually not bring computers to music clubs? People are there to listen to the music. If you’d rather debate, go outside.
People who go to music clubs and then decide they’d rather argue are likely to be under the influence of substances that impair their judgment. When they run out of words, they start shoving and hitting.
Harass women (or men, for that matter).
Some music clubs attract both men and women who go there to act out their fantasies. The trouble is that they tend to have different ones. A typical female music club fantasy is “I’m at this club wearing a skin-tight micro-mini-dress that usually makes me feel fat, only tonight it’s calling attention to how fit and toned I am, and all the men are staring at me and all the women are wishing they looked like me. I go home feeling so good I don’t even miss my ex-boyfriend…much…and his sister, who was at the club too, reminds him of what he’s lost. Later he calls me…” A typical male music club fantasy is “There is this blonde who’s dressed like a hooker, so I treat her like one, and she reacts like one, too, only she doesn’t charge by the hour.” Misunderstandings can happen if you forget that fantasies are not reality, even when strippers are involved. (This goes double for less typical fantasies.)
A virus is going around. Your lunch disagreed with you. You enjoy music more after a few beers, so you had those on the way…maybe one too many. Whatever. Just keep it out of the club.
Record the show (without permission).
For any entertainer who’s good enough to be performing in nightclubs, the act is his or her stock in trade. Unlicensed photos, videos, or audio recordings may be considered theft. A camera or even a cell phone set to “record” is a valid reason why people who wouldn’t be stupid enough to follow any of the first six tips get thrown out of clubs. Want a recording? Excellent. Buy, or beg them to release, the official one.
Even professional musicians, who ought to understand these rules if anyone does, have forgotten #7. Recently. (see http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/cleancut-english-folksters-mumford–sons-thrown-out-of-atlanta-strip-bar-8812030.html ). But now you know the Meta Rules for getting bounced almost anywhere…or not.